Growing Up

I have been told having to narcissistic parents is very unusual.... having to gay siblings in one family is very unusual....and having parents that take there children in and out of the will is very unusual. I grew up in a very unusual home, filled with violence, fear ,and hope......the hope of it was all a bad dream, having the hope of one day you would wake up and your real parents were Mike and Carol Brady.
To this day my siblings and myself find trusting people very hard.....we are all a bit quirky in are own way.
We have all struggled in are relationships.....for me I pick sociopath's....lying, abusive, alcoholics who love to sleep around.
My marriage of seventeen years ( divorced now ) says it all. We dated for four years....all  four years he lied and cheated....then for seventeen more years he was an abusive lying alcoholic who cheated the entire time. I was pregnant within six months of the marriage....so I was going to make it work. He continued to go out with friends to the bar of which I was not invited. he went to High School reunions without me....I can remember asking to go and he flat out said no. He went on many vacations with one of his guy friends.....Germany,Vegas,Miami...and more....all of which I was told I was not invited. Being married was pretty lonely and sad.....not at all what I expected.
When I was pregnant with my second child I had a miscarriage....my ex was in Germany...on vacation with a friend....he wouldn't come home....I was in the hospital over night two days later was my sister in laws baby shower.....I can remember like it was yesterday the pain I felt that day......
With all of my pregnancy's I always wished for the husband who was so excited...who would hug and kiss me and say I love you so much....I am so happy. Instead I would hear " Seriously" "Are you sure" "Those tests can be wrong" " How did that happen" He was never excited.....never happy.
He never wore his wedding ring....the excuse...it gave his finger a rash....I know most people would have left after the first year....by then he already had me convinced I was no one....I wouldn't make it on my own....so I kept trying to make him happy......you cant make an addict happy....never going to happen.
When he slept with the neighbor down the street I still stayed......I just lived in denial.....until one day I got the strength to call her and get the story on what happened.....she was more than eager to tell me....other people verified the story....and others came forward of other affairs he had.
When you have unresolved issues in your childhood....with your parents....you will most likely end up with an abusive addict for a partner.
After my divorce I moved on to another abusive addict.....why wouldn't I....My issues where not resolved yet. The good news is I did not marry him and it lasted a few years instead of 21 years.
I found a great therapist and started working on myself......an on going process.
I married my Mother and Father......A piece of them was in all of my dysfunctional relationships.
I learned at an extremely young age to make people happy....then they will be nice to you.....to take peoples shit...don't speak up....bury your feelings deep down. I could gage someones feelings in seconds and adjust to the situation.....this was survival growing up with my mother....then moving on to my ex. I am a professional on adjusting to others.....making sure not to make someone mad.....thankfully I have learned how to express my feelings without shutting down.....this was very hard for me....I still struggle.....trusting is the key to this.....and I have a hard time trusting people.
We were brought up not to trust....I was told all men are assholes....never trust them.
I might be looking for the impossible in a partner....but I think the qualities I desire in a partner are not unreasonable.
I am going to be working on making 2012 easy.....I am a professional on making things difficult....now I am looking for easy.